Come join us on March 2nd, 2012 7:00-9:00pm as Kevin shares how to improve your relationship with your children.

Join us on March 3rd 8:30-12noon as Kevin shares how to improve your relationship with your spouse.

$25.00 per person for both events. $20.00 per person for one event. More information about where to purchase tickets will be coming soon!

I’ve heard it said that there is nothing better in life than a good marriage and nothing worse than a bad one. I’ve also heard that marriage requires work. I can agree with the first statement, but deeply resent the second. I, like most of you, work all day. I really don’t want to think I have to go home and work all night.

Rather than work, I believe marriage requires, among other things, commitment, lots of forgiveness, and a good base of knowledge as to what is productive for the marriage and what is not. The problem is that most of us never get that kind of information or education. We fall in love and get married without ever really understanding how to communicate, how to handle finances, in-laws, conflicts, etc. It’s no wonder that so many marriages are ending in divorce or settling for less than they could otherwise be.

Well have I got good news for you. Starting on January 17, I will be leading a five week course called Married and Loving It! We’ll be doing this through the San Juan College Community Learning Center. Married and Loving It! was developed by Tom and Barbara Petty of Idaho Falls, Idaho. They both have extensive knowledge and experience in the field of marriage and human relations. For this course they also drew on the expertise of Dr. Gary Chapman and others to present a very informative and fun learning experience.

Participants will learn a ten-step procedure for resolving conflict, how to build positive relationships with in-laws, how to deal with anger and finances plus a host of other useful tips to improve or maintain a great marriage. We’ll also look at finances and communication to help couples draw closer together and to really function as a team.

Married and Loving It! is not for everyone. According to the Perry’s it is, however, well suited for those who are single yet might get married at some point in their lives and want to do it well. It is also ideal for couples who are engaged and want to start their marriage on a secure footing. Obviously married couples will benefit no matter how satisfied or dissatisfied they are with how things are going at present. I would love to see couples who are separated come to the class and learn how to fix the problems that drove them to the point of separation. The same can be said for divorced couples who want to learn where they went wrong and how to do better the next time.

More information can be found in the Community Learning Centers Continuum. The course is listed on page 30. The Continuum is accessible at www.sanjuancollege.edu and clicking on the Community Learning Center tab. As you’ll see the cost for the five week course is just $55.00 per couple plus $20.00 for materials. That seems to me to be a very reasonable investment for your marriage, but should finances be an issue please contact me. I’m confident something can be worked out. The important thing to consider is how great would it be for 2012 to be the most harmonious, happy and joy-filled year of your life? I don’t want to raise the bar of expectation too high, but I genuinely believe this course will give you opportunity for vast improvement in your marriage. What’s that saying “happy wife, happy life?” I propose the same could be said for a happy husband, but I can’t think of anything that rhymes with husband.

It’s a rule of life that those areas that we focus on and invest in seem to prosper and do well, while those areas we ignore wilt and suffer. Please don’t let the latter be the case for your marriage. Hope to see you in marriage class.

Ron provides dynamic programs on topics such as Emotional Intelligence, Principled Negotiation, Building Productive Relationships and others.

Ron is a member of the San Juan Rotary Club, workshops committee co-chair for the Four Corners Conference for Professional Development, and the Executive Director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, Inc.

Got Tantrums

One such quality is optimism. I think I know what the word means, but just to make sure I looked it up in the Encarta dictionary. Here’s what I found. Optimism is “the tendency to believe, expect, or hope that things will turn out well.” It is also considered to be: “the attitude of somebody who feels positive or confident.” And, finally, optimism is a philosophy or “the belief that things are continually getting better and that good will ultimately triumph over evil.”
It seems some people are more prone to an optimistic outlook on life than others. I believe, however, that optimism is a trait that can be developed by anyone with the right effort and desire. Dr. Martin Seligman is the author of the books Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism. He is also the founder of Positive Psychology. According to his website www.authentichappiness.com Positive Psychology is “a branch of psychology which focuses on the empirical study of such things as positive emotions, strengths-based character, and healthy institutions.”

Dr. Seligman has determined that people can change their outlook on life and become more optimistic. This, despite the circumstances they face in their lives. We all have situations, challenges and problems in our lives. That is simply unavoidable, and often uncontrollable. What we can typically control, however, is our attitude and responses to those difficulties.

Do you have a tendency to view life from a victim or spectator perspective? Things just seem to happen to you and there’s little or nothing that you can do about it? Do you find yourself focusing on the negative aspects of life and rarely on the positive? No, this is not a commercial for Lucy Ricardo’s vitameatavegimen or any other quick fix. What I am suggesting, is that, as this year ends and the next begins you might want to take stock of your overall outlook on life. Are your paradigms and expectations where you want them to be?

According to the Institute for Health and Human Potential, “Optimists have a unique way of explaining the cause of events – and they tend to see setbacks as temporary, isolated events- and they don’t take it personally.” Other benefits enjoyed by optimists over pessimists are that they tend to set higher goals and adhere to them; they have more inner security; they are healthier and have fewer days off work.

A benefit I would add is that optimists have better relationships in their lives. Again, would you rather be around someone who can brighten a room just by entering or one who can brighten any room just by leaving?

If you are reading these words you have reasons for optimism. You are in the greatest country on the globe. You are alive and have potential to learn and grow. You have freedoms that most people in the world can’t even fathom. You likely have people in your life who care deeply for you and whom you appreciate.

So as Christmas and the New Year draw near, I invite you to assess the important relationships in your life. Are they where you want them to be? Are you investing in them as you should? Are you demonstrating a spirit of optimism within them?

By the way, after looking up optimism I looked up the definition of merry. I wasn’t surprised to find “full of or showing lively cheerfulness or enjoyment” and “tending to produce cheerfulness or happiness in people.” Sounds to me like a great prescription for healthy relationships.
So let me close by wishing you a very merry Christmas and an optimistic New Year.

Ron provides dynamic programs on topics such as Emotional Intelligence, Principled Negotiation, Building Productive Relationships and others.

Ron is a member of the San Juan Rotary Club, workshops committee co-chair for the Four Corners Conference for Professional Development, and the Executive Director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, Inc.

While I write this with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek, road joy is truly no laughing matter. The same can certainly be said for road rage. Road rage occurs when seemingly intelligent people “lose it.” Someone cuts you off or they wave to you using less than five fingers. What do you do? Well you run them off the road or worse. Not a very smart thing to do. In fact while in the midst of a road rage you are literally not thinking at all – you are just emoting. You might call it a situation of temporary insanity. Good luck using that excuse with a judge. It probably won’t get you very far.

For a simplistic explanation of road rage let’s break the brain into just two components – the thinking brain known as the Frontal Lobe and the feeling brain known as the Deep Limbic System. During a road rage incident the Limbic System overrules the Frontal Lobe and feelings outweigh thoughts. This will typically lead to a bad decision followed quickly by an utterance of “oops” or other choice phrases .

Though I’ve never heard the term, I’m sure someone has coined the phrase “relationship rage” to describe what happens in the home or the workplace when emotions take over and drown out the thoughts. We see this in the workplace on a regular basis. Someone gets offended and rather than calmly thinking through the situation they storm off in a huff and quit. Only after they have calmed down do they realize the cost of their impulsiveness.

I find it interesting that the number one reason that people quit their jobs is not issues over pay, benefits or perks. The number one reason is said to be having a poor relationship with their immediate supervisor. This seems somewhat absurd to people like me who believe most any relationship can be improved if the parties are willing for it to improve and if they’ll just learn and practice a few relationship enhancing skills. Relationships can also improve when we lessen or eliminate the behaviors that are damaging it in the first place. That’s where preventing relationship rage comes in.

I heard an illustration from the oil filed a few years ago called “5X5.” When a worker comes upon a situation that he or she does not fully understand he or she is encouraged to take five steps back and wait five minutes before making a decision. Obviously we’re talking here about non-emergency situations. If something’s on fire you don’t have to think about what to do. Having said that however, it might be advisable to take a brief time to first consider the best and safest way to put out the fire.

When you’re confronted with an issue with a co-worker, supervisor, direct report, etc. it’s often best to not just react before considering your response. Dr. Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habits for Highly Effective Individuals, talks about the difference between reacting that typically involves little or no thought, and responding which is a calculated way to address a situation. By practicing the 5X5 technique you will likely find yourself making much wiser decisions with far better results. George Thompson, author of Verbal Judo said “never use words that rise readily to your lips, or you’ll give the greatest speech you’ll ever live to regret.” Where was he when you needed him right?

Let me leave you with one more protection against relationship rage. It comes from Tom and Beverly Rodgers of the Rodgers Counseling Center in Charlotte, N.C. They teach that anger is a secondary emotion. What this means is you are never angry just because you are angry. It is therefore helpful to determine why you are angry and then decide how to address a situation. The Rodgers teach that when angry you should grab your thumb (note I said your thumb, not someone else’s) look at your fingers and ask yourself “why am I angry?” This will force you to leave your emotional brain and enter your thinking brain. Once there, you are in a far better place from which to make a reasoned and productive decision.

The Rodgers tell a wonderful story of a man who told his teenage daughter to start the car but not move it. She of course started and moved the car right into and over the brick mailbox. On hearing the commotion the man raced outside, sized up the situation and began to get angry. The daughter jumped out of the car and yelled “dad, quick, grab your thumb!”
Long story short, he did indeed grab his thumb and was able to confront his daughter in a firm, but loving and respectful manner. She did have to learn consequences of her actions, but he was able to reassure her of his love for her and to let her know that she was far more valuable and important to him than any car or mailbox.

My hope and prayer for you this Christmas season is that joy and peace will win out over anger and frustration. I can promise you, you will have opportunities to grab your thumb when someone treats you wrong. My hope is you’ll be able to respond from your thinking brain, form a reasoned response and retain a healthy relationship.

Ron provides dynamic programs on topics such as Emotional Intelligence, Principled Negotiation, Building Productive Relationships and others.

Ron is a member of the San Juan Rotary Club, workshops committee co-chair for the Four Corners Conference for Professional Development, and the Executive Director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, Inc.

I vividly remember going to Walmart on Dec. 24, 2004. Does that date mean anything to you? Along with being Christmas Eve, it was also a time when we had only one Walmart in Farmington. Packed does not do justice to how crowded the place was. I tried to take some solace in the fact that I obviously was not the only last minute shopper trying to finish off his gift list for the year.
As I parked my truck – at the furthest reaches of the parking lot –I turned off the ignition and waited before exiting. I formed in my mind a picture of what the scene inside would likely be and it wasn’t a pretty sight. I envisioned hundreds, if not thousands of frazzled, irritable, uptight people who had anything but the holiday spirit. I figured the majority of them would be rude, impatient, demanding and generally not nice to be around. I decided it was my choice whether to join them and do exactly the same. Or, I could choose a different attitude and not get sucked into their drudgery.

Having chosen the latter, I left my truck and entered the store. I was immediately struck with the accuracy of my prediction. You could see it on people’s faces and watch it in their behavior. Having chosen my attitude, I began to smile at folks. I said Merry Christmas and greeted all as warmly as I could. I began to shoot prayers at certain ones who seemed especially burdened. I purchased my items and left the store in an exhilarated mood.
Now, I have to tell you that I don’t want to go to any store on Christmas Eve ever again. It’s one thing to choose your attitude. It’s entirely something else not to put yourself in a situation where you’ll likely have to. The lesson I learned on that day, however, has served me very well several times since. I learned that if I didn’t choose my attitude someone or something else would do it for me. And I probably wouldn’t like the results of their choice.

Let me give you a bold promise and prediction. Before this year ends you will find yourself tense and upset with a co-worker, family member, or perhaps fellow motorist. You will find yourself in situations where others are tense and upset about life. You will then have the same choice that I did. Either to choose your attitude or to relinquish that choice to someone else. Seems like a no-brainer to me, but this is America and we can choose to let others lead our lives if we want.

As I’ve said many times over this past year, relationships are not always easy to manage. You’re dealing with someone who is no more perfect than you are and who will likely get on your nerves at times just as you do on theirs. That fact you have no control over. How you react and/or respond in those situations is typically well within your scope of control.

I appreciate a story I read in Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey. He tells of a man who comes home after a hard day’s work. He pulls into the driveway and turns off the motor. Before he gets out of the car, he pauses and envisions the scene within the home. Mom is likely trying to get dinner ready while the kids are expending their indefatigable resource of energy. He knows that if he brings his troubles from the day into the home he will likely ruin the evening for all involved. Instead he decides to leave the cares of his workday world until tomorrow and now he is ready to assume his role as husband and father. With that frame of reference he exits the car and enters a home where he is welcomed by all and where he gives of himself, having decided that is what he wanted to do.

That story is called “Push the pause button in the driveway” and I offer it to you as a gift for this Christmas season. Oh, it might not be the most expensive gift you’ll receive this year, but I can assure you it might be one of the most valuable. You’ll find that it also works to push the pause button in the parking lot outside your place of employment. Before going in to work you must decide that you will not bring troubles and challenges from home into the workplace. People do this all the time unless they make a conscious choice to not do so.

Ron provides dynamic programs on topics such as Emotional Intelligence, Principled Negotiation, Building Productive Relationships and others.

Ron is a member of the San Juan Rotary Club, workshops committee co-chair for the Four Corners Conference for Professional Development, and the Executive Director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, Inc.