Do you ever dream of winning the lottery and of all the wonderful things you could do with the money? Trust me, you’re not alone. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you really shouldn’t make it part of your retirement plans as the odds are way against you.
Do you ever dream about life when others will do exactly as you wish and when you’ll never have a disagreement because everyone will always agree with you?
I believe the odds of that happening are even worse than winning the lottery. Face it, all of us have our set ideas on how life should be and we somehow expect that because our desires are so reasonable others should come to the same conclusions that we do. If you’re comfortable in your dream far be it for me to awaken you. But for those of you who have realized the need to at times put your own agenda aside for the sake of working and living with others, I have a tool that might be of use to you.
It’s called the Win-Win Waltz and it was designed by Susan Heitler, Ph.D. from Denver, Colo. Though originally designed as a tool for married folks it also has applicability for co-workers, siblings and others who find themselves in a dispute with someone.
You begin by listing each party’s initial position. Each person writes down how they view the dispute and what they believe would be a just and fair outcome – what they want to see happen.
You then list the underlying concerns for each one’s position – the why’s of the wants. Fisher and Ury, in their book Getting to Yes, call this separating interests from positions. This is a very important step. So often folks will be in a dispute over something when actually what each one really wants is not what is being discussed. For example, divorcing parents don’t want custody as much as they want happy, healthy, well-adjusted children and to be active in the lives of those happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. I know of an employee who asked for a raise, but what she really wanted was recognition for her advanced education, experience and time of service compared to others who were not being paid much less that she was. When you can move past positions (which very likely could be win-lose propositions) and focus on true underlying interests, you are far more likely to wind up with a win-win result.
After listing several underlying concerns for each party you now have a better handle on the dispute and are ready to seek lasting and fair solutions. When I say fair, by the way, I don’t necessarily mean equal. Many times a dispute is resolved where one party comes out somewhat better off than the other. This need not be a problem so long as each party can leave the negotiation satisfied with the outcome. The goal should be win-win, not 50-50, win-lose, lose-win or lose-lose.
In searching for solution options each party presents his or her first suggestions for a resolution which addresses each one’s underlying interests and concerns. After discussing the benefits of each proposal the next task is to try to come up with an entirely new idea created by both. Then try for another.
The important part of this last step is that the resolution is not either party’s idea separately, but rather one that was reached in a mutual fashion. I once heard it said “it’s amazing how much can be accomplished if it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” Well it’s also amazing how much can be accomplished when disputing parties decide to work with each other instead of against each other. It’s what Stephen Covey refers to as Synergy. The idea that by combining resources and intentions the outcome can be greater than the total of that which either could have produced separately. (Just a friendly reminder, the Center for Workforce Training at San Juan College offers the full Seven Habits of Highly Effective People course at an obscenely low and reasonable price. You really should consider checking it out.)
I really believe the Win-Win Waltz holds value in resolving interpersonal disputes. You can go to www.therapyhelp.com and enter win- win waltz in the search box for a copy of the worksheet.
However, let me give you one last caution. To reach an amicable resolution to a dispute it is nearly imperative that each party believes a resolution is possible. If we don’t believe a resolution is possible we are far less likely to take the time, make the effort, or invest the resources which might be necessary to bring about a resolution and satisfactory outcome. So let me leave you with an illustration which might help you remember to keep an open mind when entering a negotiation. If I asked you to divide 17 by 9 and come up with a whole number could you do it? Suppose I asked you to divide 17 by 6 and come up with a whole number? How about dividing 17 by 2 – could you do it then? Most of you who remember your arithmetic are probably answering no, but the answer is yes if you get out of the box and get creative. All you have to do is borrow a 1. Now you have 18 which can be divided by 9 or 6 or 2 and the result is three whole numbers which total – you guessed it – 17. Just pay back the one you borrowed and all is well.
I’m not about to tell you that all disputes are resolvable. I will state, however, that many conflicts can be brought to a satisfactory end with the right mindset and skills. Happy dancing.
Ron is a member of the San Juan Rotary Club, workshops committee co-chair for the Four Corners Conference for Professional Development, and the Executive Director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, Inc.
